Friday, March 1, 2013

my life undecided.

Shattered. Nothing less, only more and more and maybe just maybe infinite. I don’t know when will this stop or can it. It’s just a matter of time now to let go of the frustration. For those of you who are still playing Sudoku or whatsoever just to figure out my result for last semester, no. I didn’t get 4 flat okay? Do I make myself clear? Stop with the “kau 4 flat kan?” already. It made me look stupid to say no, and it made me feel like one too. I was oblivious to the fact that semester 1’s result is very important to compare it with semester 2.  It clearly showed your effort on the first attempt. And to think that I can even handle medic well in the future, but nooo. I got A- for biology and it pulled down my cgpa to a shy pointer of 3.93. Of all the subjects that I sat for last semester’s final exam, biology was the only subject that I felt satisfied with after sitting for it and I was actually worried for chemistry and ctu.  I’ve never imagined that biology would scar my result. While you’re reading this, you might think why I only post about this now when semester 2 is about to end in one month time.

“eh anas, tau tak pasal 6 mac?” Raimi asked him as zaki joined in with enthusiasm. Oh this was during outside miss julie’s room when I waited for my turn to ask her some questions. But knowing myself, I eavesdropped a little bit and anas was like “ada apa?” “oh ada list nama kat depan tu untuk pre-med” and at that instance, my heart was shattered into pieces as I sensed that the list was for the cgpa 4.0 students and of all a sudden my vision was blurry with tears. Hidayah and suhaila noticed the “torn apart” facial expression perhaps as they tried to comfort me and asked “ala awak slack ctu je kan?” and I was like “err, tak. Bio kott, macam takde harapan je ni nak ambil medic.”  My mom had mentioned about this pre-med thing. It’s basically a preparation for those who will be taking medic for their further studies. So I went through the list afterwards (not like my name was in it) and.. *sigh* there’s just too many of them who got 4 flat, I couldn’t stand a chance. There is merely a hundred of them. My heart cried for help and I wished that I could just turn back time and fix my result. A- is between 72-75 which adds up to the depression I’m facing right now. This tells me that there is no more than 5 marks I lost to get to that solid A. Call me a nerd, a geek I don’t care. It’s MY future and I really care about it. SPM means nothing to me now and when people asked about my spm result (yes, they still do) my excitement to tell them that I’ve got straight As drained because I knew that the next question would be “oh ni mesti dapat 4 flat kan semester 1?” there will always be that connection, every single darn time. And I would just smile and say those two big annoying letters. “NO”

I can’t seem to imagine myself in hospitals wearing stethoscopes no more. Maybe it’s not meant to be and Allah has set a suitable course for me even if it means not putting medic in the list. To look back, I don’t even know why I wanted so much to involve myself in medicine. Every time my mom asked “why do you want to take medic?” I got lost in searching for logical answers. And I kept reminding myself “you do want to take medic, yes medic, none other than medic” but as time passes by, that “passionate doctor” feeling drifts apart slowly like the buds of dandelions as you blow them. I went to this program at masjid negeri on career. The doctors there told their experiences and none of them actually encouraged us to pursue in it. It is hard work and you must really really really wanted to be a doctor! not because your parents told you to, not because your friends, relatives asked you to. One of the doctors there said that if you’re not sure, then just forget about taking medic. For me, that’s the most useful advice a person has ever given to me! (no sarcasm applied) and then I went to biochem ‘s booth, and I can actually relate to it. I like doing research and I don’t mind working in labs. Ah yes, the nerdy me strikes again. Pharmacy is not that bad too because it’s major is chemistry and I enjoy the subject, truly. I’m in dilemma that’s for sure. My dad really wants me to become a doctor as none of my family members is a doctor, yet. So he was hoping that I would be the first. But *sigh* (again) I don’t really know whether should or should I not continue with medicine and just turn to the sideways and park at biochemistry. For now, I can just pray to Allah for the best decision and just focus on semester 2’s final exam at the end of this month (happy 1st of March everybodyyy). Until then, Assalamualaikum J


  1. be an architect then. ahaks kidding :j
    go go farisaa u can do it bebeh! :D

    1. Haha promote :p thank you :) InsyaAllah Amin